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+ THE ADVENTURERS +
+ Epic V +
+ Many of the locations, non-player characters, spells, and other +
+ terms used in these stories are the property of Wizards of the Coast +
+ which has in no way endorsed or authorized their use. Any such +
+ property contained within these stories are not representative of +
+ Wizards of the Coast in any fashion. +
+ The player characters depicted in these stories are copyright +
+ 1991-2005 by Thomas A. Miller. Any resemblance to any persons +
+ or characters either real or fictional is utterly coincidental. +
+ Copying and/or distribution of these stories is permissible under +
+ the sole condition that no money is made in the process. In that +
+ case, I hope you enjoy them! +
+ Bosco 13th level halfling thief +
+ Date: 4/1/580 C.Y. (Common Year) +
+ Time: nighttime +
+ Place: the land of dreams +
+ Climate: dreamy +
+ "I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough." +
+ - M.C. Escher +
DCCCLXVI. Being Bosco
Deep within the realm of his own subconscious, Bosco was having a rather
Rob: (drunk as a skunk, he sits on a throne with a jug of wine in one
Bosco: Hey, I thought you didn't act silly anymore...
Rob: (gestures in a random direction, wine sloshing out of the jug) I
can do anything I want - I'm the high priest! (he waves his free hand,
and a miniature castle, about five feet high, appears on the ground)
Bosco: (looks around) Where are we, anyway?
Rob: Somewhere between everywhere and nowhere, my dear boy. (he offers
the wine-jug) Care for a sip?
Bosco: Err, I'd better not.
Rob: (floats out of his chair and over to the miniature castle) Mustn't
let it go dry. (using the wine-jug, he waters the castle, as if it was
Rob: Quiet. (he points to the castle as it begins to grow) Isn't that
Bosco: Hey! (alarmed, he backs up, and falls off into a chasm that
wasn't there a moment ago) Whaaaaaaa...
The halfling fell for a short while, and then suddenly seemed to be
floating, rather than falling.
Bosco: (looks down at his winged boots, which aren't flapping at all)
What's wrong with you?
winged boots: Shh! Boots don't talk...not even winged ones.
He floated down toward a cloudbank, then landed on it, finding it to be
as soft as a pillow.
Bosco: Aaahhhhhh. Hmm, that's weird. (he begins walking on the soft
surface) Bosco, cloud-walker!
cloud giant: (standing there, arms crossed, a stern look on his face)
Who are you? How did you get here?
Bosco: Well, I-
cloud giant: Never mind. (he leans over, frowning) Where's that elf,
the one who dared to challenge me?
Bosco: What elf? You mean Belphanior?
cloud giant: Do you know him? (he cracks his knuckles)
Bosco: No, not really...I wasn't even around back in those days!
cloud giant: Well, begone then. (he waves his hand at Bosco, and a
strong gust of wind picks the halfling up and moves him toward the
edge of the clouds) If you see the elf, tell him not to ever come
Bosco: But I don't think he's ever been here- Aaaaaaaaa!
He was falling again, but this time he landed in a gigantic trampoline,
and began to bounce, up and down, up and down.
Bosco: Wheeeeee! (he spins about in the air)
Belphanior: Stop that.
Bosco: (lands deftly on a cool stone floor, looking around) Where am I
Belphanior: This is my old castle, in Helgate. (he waves as an iron
golem rides by, atop a hydra)
Victoria: (nods to Bosco, her white fangs flashing)
Victoria: Don't be scared - you're barely a shooter in a long night of
Bosco: I don't want to be a drink at all! (he turns to flee, only to
find himself facing two attractive young girls)
Daphne: (smiles, displaying her own vampire fangs) Hi there, small one.
Phoebe: (takes a step toward the halfling, her red eyes boring into him)
Bosco: Aieee! (he turns back to Belphanior) Make them stop!
Belphanior: I can't. (he turns to Otto, Skektek, and the rest...who
suddenly start changing into werewolves)
Otto: (his form shifting and changing) Grrr...
Skektek: (rather skinny for a werewolf, he begins howling anyway) Awooo!
Ys: (grins toothily) I don't need to be a werewolf.
Bosco: Well, that's a relief. (he turns back to Belphanior, whose eyes
are blood-red now as he's changed shape into some kind of demon) Whoa!
What's _wrong_ with you?!?
Belphanior: Join us, Bosco...
Bosco: (passes out)
He next seemed to be floating through total darkness, which was very
disorienting...until he saw a tiny speck of light, and began moving that
Bosco: How am I moving through here, anyway?
The speck of light turned out to be a window, which was locked. Bosco
produced his lockpicks, and had the thing open in no time. He stepped
through it, and found himself on the deck of a gigantic ship.
Halbarad: Bosco?!? What are you doing here?
Peyote: Hey, little dude! (he slaps Bosco's hand)
Daffodil: Never mind, it's great to have you. (she points at the clear
blue waters that surround them on all sides) Isn't this wonderful?
Bosco: Yeah, sure, I guess. Where are we?
Rillen: (passes by, walking on his hands) We're in the middle of
Songa: (hefts her spear) Where did you think you were?
Bosco: I dunno. (he suddenly spots a large wave approaching)
The wave stopped just before hitting the side of the ship; the water
shifted as a mouth and two eyes formed in it.
Bosco: Ack! (he leaps back) What do _you_ want?!?
Silthis: I want my money, Bosco...the money you cheated me out of...
Bosco: I don't have it! (he turns his pockets inside-out) See, I don't
have anything! (he frowns) Wait a second...who picked my pockets?
Peldor: (walking away, whistling)
Bosco: Wha the heck? (he turns to find everyone else, including Silthis,
laughing at him) Argh...
Just then, a large green dragon flew down from the clouds, circling the
ship in ever-descending loops. As he watched the majestic wyrm approach,
Bosco had the strangest feeling that there should have been music playing.
Rob: (in a saddle atop the dragon's back, he waves to the halfling)
Bosco: Do they make saddlebags for that?
Rob: Climb aboard, Bosco - we're going for a ride!
A second, much smaller saddle magically appeared behind the main one,
and Bosco leaped into it, grinning exuberantly.
Bosco: Finally! It's time for...Bosco, dragon-rider!
The halfling found himself holding on for dear life as the dragon took
to the sky, rising fast and steeply.
Rob: Hush now. Everything will be fine.
Bosco: Then who are those?!? (he points to a quintet of five bronze-
colored dragons that are now chasing the green one, and gaining fast)
Rob: Hmm, that's not so good. (to the green dragon) Any ideas?
green dragon: I AM BAYTOR!
Bosco: What are we going to do?
Rob: I guess we'll stop and talk to them.
As the five dragons approached, Bosco's sharp eyes could see that two
of them were being ridden by Peldor and Halbarad.
Peldor: I cannot tell a lie.
Halbarad: And that's the truth.
Bosco: (to Peldor) Why did you pick my pockets?
Peldor: Well, someone had to.
Halbarad: (nods) He's telling the truth.
Bosco: I'm confused.
Rob: Sorry, Bosco, but this is where you get off.
Bosco's saddle disappeared, and he began falling again, the dragons
above quickly out of sight.
Bosco: I wonder where I'll end up this time?
Just then, Bosco landed on a barstool in the Green Dragon Inn, where
Tanya was busy serving drinks.
Tanya: Welcome back, Bosco! (she puts a goblet of ale in front of him)
Bosco: (downs half the glass) Thanks, I needed that. What's up?
Tanya: Oh, the usual. (she gestures to a nearby table, where a pair of
paladins, identical down to their armor and weapons, are engaged in a
mighty arm-wrestling contest)
Sir Drexel: I'll beat you yet!
Sir Dremel: Never!
Peldor: Place you bets, place your bets!
Bosco: Give me ten gold pieces on...err, which one's which?
Peldor: Beats me.
Suddenly, Mongo walked in, arm-in-arm with a giantess, despite the
differences in their height.
Mongo: Everyone, meet Titania.
Mongo: Do you know how long I've been looking for a woman without a
beard? (he cracks his knuckles) Never mind. We're here to show some
Titania: (picks up Drexel and Dremel, each with one hand, and relocates
them to another table)
Mongo: Now that's love. (he pulls up a chair, flexing his arm)
Bosco: Uh...I think you're going to need a stronger table.
As the perhaps ill-fated arm-wrestling match began, Bosco couldn't
help but notice a new arrival to the inn - an eight-foot tall minotaur
(not counting the horns.)
minotaur: I've got the winner.
Bosco: Who are you?
minotaur: I'm stronger than Mongo, that's who I am. Plus I'm taller.
Bosco: Huh? (to Peldor) Do we know this clown?
Peldor: I hope not.
minotaur: (continues to babble) Isn't there another Green Dragon Inn,
in the city of Fax, in the Wild Coast? That's really strange.
Bosco: You're really strange.
minotaur: Maybe I should have been a paladin. (he eyes Mongo) Or a
Otto: (appears from another room, hefting the hammer he got from the
Fortress of the Nine) I've got your dwarven thrower right here.
minotaur: What good is it being a hammer if you can't find a deserving
Otto: Who the hell _are_ you?
minotaur: Some call me a lone wolf...others call me a dragon warrior.
It's not really my fault...the demon made me crazy, all the time. (he
looks around) Is someone calling me names?
Peldor: (to Bosco) Go get Vinnie - we're going to have to ask this
guy to leave.
Bosco: Right. (he wanders off through a doorway...only to emerge in
a large field outdoors, on a warm sunny day) Huh?
Ged: Step aside, foolish one.
Bosco: I thought you were dead?
Ged: Of course I am. I just came back to officiate this tournament.
Bosco: What tournament?
Ged: (annoyed) Jousting.
Just then, a huge green dragon landed on the field, and began prancing
around in circles. A familiar figure rode the dragon...
Rob: Whoa, there! (he almost falls off, but manages to right himself
just in time)
Ged: (to Bosco) You see, the more things change, the more they stay the
Bosco: It's Rob again...what the heck's going on around here?
Ged: I told you, it's a jousting tournament. You really should try
harder to listen the first time.
Bosco: Joust? Who's Rob fighting against?
Ged: Look and see.
Belphanior had appeared, riding a many-headed hydra onto the field.
Belphanior: (smacking various of the hydra's heads as they turn around
and snap at him) Settle down!
Bosco: There's something you don't see every day. (to Ged) Who do you
think's going to win?
Ged: Neither of them...(he points to a new arrival on the field)
It was the juggernaut - that massive construct of wheels and armor,
battering rams and spikes - and atop it was a smaller armored figure
that was instantly recognizable.
Bosco: By the gods...the iron dwarf's riding the juggernaut...
At that moment, the halfling mercifully woke up from his dream-filled
slumber, his eyes wide.
Bosco: Whoa! (he looks around in the darkness) I have _got_ to stop
drinking that illegal rum before bedtime!
next: finally...the return of Belphanior
notes: The time wasn't right to to a full-blown, in-canon comedy
episode, so instead I strung together various ideas and characters
and put them into the context of a Bosco nonsense world.
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