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+ THE ADVENTURERS +
+ Epic II +
+ The various characters contained in these writings are +
+ copyright 1993 by Thomas Miller. Any resemblance to any +
+ persons or characters either real or fictional is utterly +
+ coincidental. Copying and/or distribution of these tales +
+ is permissible only under the sole condition that no part +
+ of them will be used or sold for profit. In that case, I +
+ hope you enjoy them... +
+ Thomas Miller +
+ email@example.com +
+ THE PARTY: +
+ Alindyar 15th level drow elf mage (N) +
+ Lyra 12th level female drow elf mage (N) +
+ Belphanior 12th/13th/13th level high elf w/m/t (CN) +
+ Ged 13th/13th level grey elf priest/mage (NG) +
+ Arnold 11th level human warrior (NG) +
+ ? grey cat (familiar) (NG) +
+ Mongo 15th level dwarf warrior (CG) +
+ Flint 11th level dwarf warrior (CG) +
+ Peldor 18th level human thief (N) +
+ Rillen 15th level human warrior (N) +
+ Date: n/a +
+ Time: n/a +
+ Place: some alternate dimension +
+ Climate: n/a +
+ "Come on! Who wants some?!?" +
+ Ash, from _Army of Darkness_ +
CXXX. The Battle For the Town
The adventurers have made it out of the Great Swamp with
valuable knowledge. However, trouble brews nearby...
Flint: Hey, somebody set the town on fire!
Belphanior: Wasn't me! But I've been getting bored - let's
go find out what happened, and then commit some mayhem of
Mongo: Sounds good...
They rode for the town at breakneck speed, stopping for
nothing. As they drew nearer, the adventurers could see
that a great battle had taken place there.
Mongo: Battle, my ass! If the attackers knew what they
were doing, it would have been a massacre! Those puny
villagers were all but helpless...
Indeed, it was obvious that the forces of evil had been
triumphant. The small town was burning in numerous places,
and dead villagers littered the ground. As they entered
the town, the adventurers were greeted by a fiendish sight.
Five huge ogres, wearing plate mail and carrying gigantic
battleaxes, were busy putting wounded villagers to death.
The humanoids' armor bore a horrific symbol, a red eye with
blood dripping from it. For all the party knew, the blood
could have been real.
ogre#1: Huh? Hey, who are you guys?
Ged: Leave those people alone! I demand it!
ogre#2: Hey, it's the boss's boss! (steps on a peasant)
Rillen: (fires four arrows into the ogre, in the blink of
ogre#2: (dies, feathers protruding from its head)
Rillen: Next time, you should listen.
ogre#1: What's this?!? Why are you attacking us?
Mongo: Back off from those victims. Now!
ogre#3: Aie! It's the boss!
ogre#4: but why is he dressed funny?
ogre#5: Yeah, why?
ogre#1: Maybe he's not the boss...
Belphanior: (casts Ventriloquism, using Mongo's voice)
You ogres! Fight amongst yourselves!
ogre#3: Fight? Why?
Belphanior: (caught up in the heat of the moment, he
fails to realize how dumb his plan was)
Alindyar: (realizes how dumb the plan was) Fah.
Mongo: (fails to realize much of anything) Hey! What's
going on here?
Belphanior: (becomes invisible)
Peldor: (already invisible, begins circling around)
ogre#4: (kicks a wounded townsperson) Ha ha!
Arnold: Cerdainly. (charges the ogres) Ah-nold!
Flint: (whips out his axe and follows in Arnold's stead)
Rillen: (fills another ogre full of arrows)
ogre#1: Argh! (dies)
Mongo: (hurls his hammer at one ogre)
ogre#3: (knocked from its feet) Yargh!
Arnold: (hardly missing a beat, he cuts the wounded ogre#3
in half) Aaa!
Peldor: (backstabs ogre#4, slaying it) Aha! (becomes
visible) Peldor's ways continue, unstopped...
Lyra: (uses her boots to levitate into the air)
Alindyar: (seeing no need to cast a spell, he watches)
grey cat: (finds a place to hide)
Flint: (chops ogre#5, wounding it) Die, scum!
Rillen: Only one more...
Suddenly, a heavy metal hammer sailed through the air and
smashed through the last ogre's head, spraying Flint and
Arnold with crimson gore. The hammer returned to the hand
that hurled it; the hand belonged to a short, powerful
figure. The dwarf was armored in bright red plate, with
the bleeding eye symbol prominently displayed on the front.
Beady little eyes stared out from a face that was familiar,
yet filled with hate and fury.
Mongo-2: (looks at the brains dripping from his hammer)
Agh, I _hate_ incompetence!
Mongo: Well, I'll be...
Beside the evil dwarf were a thing that looked like a
cross between a man and a scorpion, a huge humanoid figure
made out of rock, and two soldier-types.
Mongo-2: DESTROY THEM!!! (all the foes charge toward
Ged: Oh shit...(begins spellcasting)
Rillen: (produces his staff and charges the big rocky
thing) Hi-yah! (he bashes it, twice, sending rubble
earth elemental: (shrugs off the blows) grunt.
Lyra: (airborne, she begins spellcasting)
Alindyar: (begins spellcasting)
earth elemental: (swipes at Rillen, but misses as the
agile warrior leaps aside)
Ged: (casts Haste upon the entire party) Boccob, aid us!
Peldor: Great, now he's done it...
Mongo-2: (hurls his hammer at Ged, knocking the elf down)
Stop that shit, you would-be Ged!
Ged: (bruised and bleeding) Argh! (he staggers around)
soldier-type #1: (charges Flint, his clothes shredding as
he assumes a hairy, wolven form) Snarl!
Flint: (stands fast) What the hell?
soldier-type #2: (also transforms) Growl!
Mongo-2: (catches his hammer, and hurls it again, at
Alindyar) Die, drow weakling!
Alindyar: (knocked back ten feet, his spell ruined) Agh!
Flint: (chops the werewolf) Die, hairball!
werewolf#1: (reels, cut severely) Magical weapons?
Mongo-2: (catches his hammer) Heh heh.
manscorpion: (scuttles toward Arnold) Tassste my ssting,
Arnold: (notices that the top half of the monster sort of
looks like Flint) Aaaa?
manscorpion: (or Flint-2, if one wants to look at it that
way; it claws and stings Arnold, hitting with all of the
Arnold: Agh...(falls to his knees)
manscorpion: You sshall be dead within momentsss.
Mongo-2: (hurls his hammer at Lyra) Fall from the sky,
Mongo: (hurls his hammer at his evil twin) Hey, cut it
Lyra: (hit, her spell is ruined, and she falls to the
ground from the shock) Urgh!
Mongo-2: (hit by Mongo's hammer, he reels) Ow! That
Mongo: (catches his hammer) It's not supposed to tickle!
Mongo-2: (catches his hammer) You'll pay for-
Mongo: (hurls his hammer again, hitting again) Shut the
Mongo-2: (staggers, bleeding) Argh! I'm being attacked
by my good twin!
Rillen: (bashes the earth elemental again) Hai!
earth elemental: grunt.
Arnold: (stands up, saved from poison due to his ring)
manscorpion: It cannot be...
Arnold: But it is! Ah-nold! (slashes at the monster)
manscorpion: (wounded seriously) Argh!
werewolf#1: (claws Flint, scratching him) Rargh!
werewolf#2: (claws at Peldor in passing, misses, and then
heads for Mongo) Snarl...
Mongo: (catches his hammer, and throws it at Mongo-2 yet
again) Take that, too!
Mongo-2: Argh! (reels and rocks, dazed)
Belphanior: (invisible, he approaches Mongo-2 from the
Peldor: (invisible once again, he skulks about nearby)
Mongo: (catches his hammer) How'd you like that?
Lyra: (moves to get out of the midst of all the fighting)
Alindyar: (begins spellcasting again)
Ged: (prepares another spell) For Boccob...
Mongo-2: (hits Mongo with his hurled hammer) How's THAT
feel? Ha ha!
Mongo: Argh! (tosses his own hammer at his twin, hitting
again) No worse than THAT, fucker!
Mongo-2: Argh! (both Mongos catch their hammers, and go
at it anew)
Ged: (blasts the evil Mongo with Magic Missiles) Boccob
punishes the evil!
Mongo-2: Aie! Yagh! Ow! Ugh! Oh! (he explodes in a
tremendous burst of flame)
Belphanior: (invisible behind the evil dwarf, he gets a
closeup look at the explosion) Wha-
Peldor: (likewise; both are hurled away by the blast)
Mongo: Hey, there's the thieves! (he backs off from the
heat) He - I - blew up?!?
Ged: That's not normal.
Flint: No shit!
Alindyar: (casts Summon Spider, and fifteen giant spiders
appear amidst the battle) Be aware, everyone! Spiders!
spiders: (choose random and various targets)
Lyra: Hmm, nice spell. Where'd you get it?
Alindyar: Nowhere that any of these other magi will ever
giant spiders: (several of them begins stinging the huge
Arnold: (hacks the manscorpion again, lopping off an arm
and spraying the battlefield with blood) Ah-nold vill
be victorian! Aaa!
manscorpion: (backs away, batting at spiders with its
Peldor: (dazed but relatively unharmed by the explosion,
thanks to his magical feathers, he leaps at the beast
from behind, and though visible now, he manages to
backstab it) Whee!
manscorpion: (dies, its head cloven in two) urp.
Peldor: (dodges the tail's reflexive death-throw stings)
Arnold: (waves cheerfully, and then moves to help Flint)
Flint: (slugging it out with werewolf#1) Argh! Take
werewolf#1: (perishes from Flint's furious axe-blows)
Rillen: (smacked by the earth elemental, he reels)
giant spiders: (a number of them swarm upon the elemental
earth elemental: (ignores the things)
giant spiders: (the rest of them swarm onto the other
Arnold: (hits down the werewolf with two blows) Wolfy!
Belphanior: (charred from the explosion, he has yet made
his way behind the werewolf, and backstabs it fiercely)
Peldor: (hurls two daggers into the earth elemental's
head) Ha! Peldor strikes again!
earth elemental: (staggers)
Mongo: (hurls his hammer at the elemental) Fall, you
lump of rock!
earth elemental: (explodes in a spray of dirt)
Mongo: Fuckin' A!
Arnold: Aaa! Vigdory at lasd!
giant spiders: (commence feasting upon those carcasses
which are edible)
The party rested, and the townspeople gathered around
as Ged tried to concentrate upon healing the wounded.
townsperson: Wow! That was some battle! Are you here
to save us from the evil one?
other townsperson: Such skill and bravery is unheard of!
Surely you mean to fight the Dread Lord himself!
another townsperson: Huh. You're in for it now, as soon
as Ged finds out what you've done!
next time: a brief respite from danger and destruction
notes: ...none at this time...
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